--- publish: true permalink: the-word-stop-as-a-de-escalation-issue description: one element of counter-control - humans tend to fall into this trap? image: https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_banners/37457668/1433696223/1080x360 --- page always being updated #todo # Stop - do what I say - I need to control my environment therefore give me more control? When humans experience some event that is outside their [[Comfort Zone]] certain things can occur. Before we go on I am not talking about someone looking at a parking space and thinking - **"I am not comfortable that I will be able to fit in there"**. I am more talking about those events that instantaneously set your heart racing. Technically, your Amygdala fires which leads to a change in *[[affect]]* which is the word used to describe the physiological changes that happen in the brain in response to a memory or an outside event. Essentially instantaneously, unconsciously areas in your brain trigger as neurons light up and neurochemicals, such as adrenalin and cortisol, are released into the blood stream in response to something that your brain perceived as danger! Now back to normal words. When you get this *affect change* or jump as a response most people do not like it. We have forgotten that this reaction will save your life and it is a good thing. Indeed people say "you made me jump". Most people have heard of *fight or flight* and this also has a third f for *freeze*. These are the reactions most of us have to this uncomfortable "[[affect]]" change. Humans do not like to feel out of control. When people around you become chaotic or down right dangerous we have a tendency to want to remove ourselves, *flight*. Become small and insignificant, how many times have you seen an argument where one party completely shuts down and does not engage, *freeze*. Or the common one in a setting such as ours is to attempt to control our environment, while people will disagree I perceive this as *fight* as you want to win. This last one is more common in our work for many reasons, I am not going to do an in depth analysis of those points here. However one aspect of this is the introduction of any form of hierarchy. Once you give someone a badge or a title which implies a station above another you imply responsibility for the behaviour of the subordinate in the relationship, essentially without an understanding or training it triggers a human default need to control those below you. The flip side is also true. Can you think of a time where your parent or any boss you have had has told you that you should do a task a particular way. In essence you know that there is a better way but you have been told to toe the line. At some point, while you will openly do what you are told to do, you will also do something to make your mark, to make you feel better, something like hide the stapler or unplug the printer. Things such as when your partner asks you to pick up your laundry off the floor and you do this but leave the toilet seat up as your response. These may seem petty and insignificant however every human relationship has these sorts of interactions where someone makes a demand or request, essentially seeking control over your actions by asking you to do something. You then have the option to [[capitulate]] and give them control over your actions or not. If you do [[capitulate]] you may [[counter-control]] against the action in another way at another time in another room or place with another member of staff. (another ramble here comes in around the phrase "she does not do that when I am on shift!") If you experience a neighbour being silly over a fence or some such you may well smile at them and brush the conflict off however late at night (perhaps after a drink) you decide to knock over their bin. My mother used to ask me to move a car or some such job at inopportune moments. I would do the task, therefore capitulate, however I do remember coming back in one day and swapping the knives and the forks in the cutlery drawer. This was safely in the knowledge that when she found them it would give her some mild annoyance and she would need to correct the error. Imagine you and your partner are at a posh restaurant, you are watching your weight and you have had your posh but petite salad. While you are waiting for your partner to finish you are looking around the lovely room taking in the décor etc. A waiter walks past your table with a wonderfully ornate plate with a well decorated slice of black forest gateaux on it. Your eyes track it noticing the way the cream has been decorated. Your partner notices your eyes and says - *"don't you think you have had enough dear?"* ... How many of us would order the gateaux on principle. Indeed I have posted elsewhere about some "friends" making comments mentioning my weight in the past. These are elements we can recognise as [[counter-control]]. The point here is if this is normal for any relationship and is worse in a hierarchy - why do we hear support staff saying phrases such as "he should do what he is told"? - do staff always do what they are told in all aspects of their life? Other thouhgts on not offending people will be linked here at some point #todo . And so when someone does something that we believe they should not, without training we can default to normal human responses. That is when we hear people say things that are clearly not helpful. We discuss many of these types of phrases on training and one of these is the word "stop". People say it because, the support staff feel - "if he stops moving chaotically in my environment, I will feel better". "STOP" is a statement designed to regain control by someone who is feeling a lack of control as to what is happening around them! There are many other reasons to be careful about the word stop, and there are many other phrases commonly used to be careful of, however most of this is engrained in 3 days training and this post is a 5 min read. ### tl;dr ### being in control is not what we should be aiming for if we are developing relationships This needs more work #todo links to another post on relationships here at some point #todo